Prisoner of my dreams

I am back to my domain of singlehood. Feels just like home. The air smells great here too. There is a bad taste in my mouth but that is fading away slowly. I have realized that it is all the more difficult for me because I am held a prisoner by my dreams. Dreams of finding someone to love and who will love me back. Someone who will be like a Pulsar radiating love to me and not someone like a Blackhole who will absorb all the love I send her without an atom of affection coming back. Dreams of walking on the curvy path down the valley of years, holding each other's hands. Dreams of blue skies, blue oceans, white beaches, green eyes and ruddy cheeks that become even more red when I kiss her. And above all, dreams of making babies and dreams of her taking care of the babies and cooking food for me and cleaning the house and ironing my clothes. Ok. maybe not the last one. But yeah, dreams of this and dreams of that.

All of us dream of different things when we are young. Some of us believe in those dreams and shed the sweat of their brow and the blood of their hearts to chase those dreams. At the same time, I think one can do a lot of service to oneself if one does not allow oneself to be held a prisoner by those dreams. Chasing dreams is all fine and dandy but to make it a matter of life or death is in nobody's interest.

So, I am giving myself a break. My old friend Tanhai is back on my side. She teases me occasionally at night but she has been an old friend and that is ok between friends.

I have decided that I am not going to actively look for a wife anymore. You may say ki bhaiya, aangoor khate hain( that this is a slam dunk case of sour grapes!) and you won't be completely wrong but whatever. "Free your mind", Morpheus told Neo and I am going to follow his advise too. To use the old cliche, I am going to be patient and let the butterfly of marital happiness come and sit on me. That is not to say, that others who care about me have stopped looking. I am going to let everything takes its own course and hope for the best. In the meantime, I have so many other things to take care of. In a nutshell, I am going to defocus the marriage stuff for now.

I recently met another Sardar friend. We discussed a number of issues and as expected the issue of the Sikh identity cane up. He agreed with me that most professional Sikhs who come to the US give up their identity within a few months of landing in the US. He also related the story of an acquaintance of his who happens to be a Sikh woman. The parents of this lady had a lot of trouble finding a turbaned Sikh guy for her and after a long time of a futile search, they gave up and she ended up marrying a cut Surd from California. He also told me that most Delhi girls that he knew preferred non-turbaned Sikhs.

None of this was news to me. But sometimes it helps when one's view is vindicated by others in the similar situation.

Sikhs and the Gas prices

Yesterday, I went out with a few friends. We all had good times and I felt better. As I was walking out, an elderly gentleman stopped me and queried me:" Are you the one raising up the gas prices? Are you the Prince of Hezbollah?". His question was full of sincerity. He was perhaps a little drunk but there was no mailce. I smiled and said:" Sir, I wish I were that powerful but I am not." And then I went on explain "A brief history of Sikhs" to a drunk man. I am sure it was a wasted effort but whatever. I am sure he was confusing me with the Iranian Ayotollahs and clearly his knowledge of current affairs was at the very least, imperfect.. One of my non Sikh friend said that he wanted to kick that guy's butt but I don't think ignorance necessarily warrants rebuke.

I have noticed that some of us have resorted to the use of unparliamentary language in their comments. While I occasionally curse in my daily routine, I think it is mostly unbecoming of us. Not just because we are Sikhs. I think it is unbecoming regardless, if it offends others. I check my blog occasionally and I will delete those comments which I percieve are in poor taste.

My friends have been asking me to try the online matrimonial sites again in a bid to find myself a nice Sikh girl. I am a little sceptical about the whole idea. The whole time my profile was on those sites, I did recieve a fair number of responses. The only problem is that when I started to write back to them and mentioned that I was a turbaned Sikh, for some mysterious reasons, the conversations stopped. Mind it, this was before they had seen my picture. The mere fact that I wore a turban was enough to scare them away. I am not sure that it is going to be any different this time.

My friends have also suggested that maybe I should post my profile on this blog. Clearly, that would terminate my anonymity for good. But who knows, maybe it will also help me find somebody who will be stupid enough to marry me. I am still toying with that idea. Otherwise, I am prepared to go to India later this year and marrying the woman my parents think should be my wife.

I think some of our dreams should remain unfullfilled in life. If all the sugar from a sugar water solution were to crystallize out, the water would not remain sweet anymore. It is a twisted analogy from chemistry but it kinda makes the point.

The chess of relationships

Years ago, I used to spend hours playing chess. I also read some poems by Keats etc as well as read some more recent books on relationships. I have also had the chance to learn about the popular culture of dating and the dynamics of relationships. My take on the whole issue was that most modern relationships are like a game of chess. People mull over their moves, they brainstorm about the other person's plans and then they make their moves all the time worrying about what the other person is going to do next. You can give these things the labels of "element of mystery", "my dignity" and "your dignity" but in the end, it is essentially reduced to a game of chess. I was well aware of the element of chess in modern day relationships before I started my last relationship. That does not mean, I fully agreed with it.

To me, liking somebody does not need to be guised under a mist of stoicism. If I like something or somebody, I am not going to be afraid or embarrassed to say that. If I like something enough, I think I will get it. If I don't, then it was never meant to be. But I am not going to waste my time thinking about when and how I am going to say what. I also don't think relationship need to be like a game of poker where God forbid, the other person should never see my cards.

I do understand that perhaps my notion of relationships is too idealistic. I mean, why should relationships be devoid of all the guile and ambiguity that surrounds us in other walks of life? I am no expert on relationships, but I think it is plausible that they are nothing but a game of cut-throat chess where one party is trying to win against the others. Gone are the days when a suitor will serenade his lover by singing a love song under her window. Sad but true.

I am just sad that when God finally sent somebody my way, He also sent a bunch of irreconcilable issues. I just wish that I had fallen in love with some nice Indian Sikh girl and had married her.

I do agree with some of you who think that this blog has kind of been beating around the bush. I had felt that several weeks ago. I think the blog has served its purpose of raising some awareness about the discrimination of turbaned Sikh men. Clearly, I can't think of changing anybody's minds. That was not my intent anyway.

In two months, I will turn 28. I have decided that I am never going to date again. My objective of dating was to find a wife and not for fun. Clearly, this process is more painful than the arranged marriage route.

I am now working on a blog related to Medicine and will be spending most of my time on that blog. Perhaps, it will keep me occupied in a more fruitful way.

Old sparks, new fire

C and I remain good freinds. It is clear to her that I like her a lot and I can make an educated guess that she just might have an iota of liking for me too. We both understand that there are lot of issues that we need to resolve but hey that should not prevent us from being good friends. I enjoy her company and if I use the expression,"She has grown under my skin", it would not be an overstatement. Anyways, I am just glad that she is still around to listen to my stupid jokes and chide me from time to time. Harry needs a little straightening from time to time.

I also must thank one of my mentors and friends who told me of this lovely song by the Eagles: "Try and Love again". He tells me that no matter how hard it was, it is a bliss to love just for its own sake.

The comments to my previous posts have provided me insights into many issues. First of all, I am glad to note that more or less, we as a community are not averse to debating and I think that is a healthy thing. Sure, we have our differences and every once a while, one of us forgets rules of civil debate but in general, the discussion is based on logic and evidence. Second of all, I do see some people coming forth with their stories of Sikh women choosing non turbaned guys. There was an article by a Gurteg Singh which is kind of alarmist but I don't think it is entirely unreasonable. I certainly don't agree with the antagonist tone against Sikh women. I am a firm believer in equality of sexes and liberation of women and all that good stuff but I don't think it is fair that the shaft of the flag of Sikh women's liberation necessarily needs to slice through the hearts of guys like me.

Right now, I am just waiting and watching. The "Finding a Wife for Harry Singh" machine is eager to start whirring again. By that I mean, my friends and well-wishers are keen to spread the word for a wife for me. We will see how it works out.