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Thursday, June 01, 2006

Old sparks, new fire

C and I remain good freinds. It is clear to her that I like her a lot and I can make an educated guess that she just might have an iota of liking for me too. We both understand that there are lot of issues that we need to resolve but hey that should not prevent us from being good friends. I enjoy her company and if I use the expression,"She has grown under my skin", it would not be an overstatement. Anyways, I am just glad that she is still around to listen to my stupid jokes and chide me from time to time. Harry needs a little straightening from time to time.

I also must thank one of my mentors and friends who told me of this lovely song by the Eagles: "Try and Love again". He tells me that no matter how hard it was, it is a bliss to love just for its own sake.

The comments to my previous posts have provided me insights into many issues. First of all, I am glad to note that more or less, we as a community are not averse to debating and I think that is a healthy thing. Sure, we have our differences and every once a while, one of us forgets rules of civil debate but in general, the discussion is based on logic and evidence. Second of all, I do see some people coming forth with their stories of Sikh women choosing non turbaned guys. There was an article by a Gurteg Singh which is kind of alarmist but I don't think it is entirely unreasonable. I certainly don't agree with the antagonist tone against Sikh women. I am a firm believer in equality of sexes and liberation of women and all that good stuff but I don't think it is fair that the shaft of the flag of Sikh women's liberation necessarily needs to slice through the hearts of guys like me.

Right now, I am just waiting and watching. The "Finding a Wife for Harry Singh" machine is eager to start whirring again. By that I mean, my friends and well-wishers are keen to spread the word for a wife for me. We will see how it works out.

25 Comments:

Anonymous Puja said...

"it is a bliss to love", so true. falling in love is beautiful. i bealive that only the Guru deserves to be fallen in love with. to be in love with Him and to unite with Him is the true bliss.

5:52 AM, June 02, 2006  
Blogger Mogli said...

Harry,
Your problem is arising because you are expecting sikh girls to be more accepting of your looks than others.
I do not see the logic behind it. Most of their peer group is non sikh. They are, further, under no obligation to marry someone turbaned.

Though, there are many many women who will prefer a turbaned man to anyone else. I know this by experience. Also, I have seen that the girls who explicitly state their preference for non turbaned guys fall under two categories.
1. everyone in their family is non turbaned, atleast in their generation.
2. Their perception is that most turbaned guys are backward and uneducated.

In the first group, there is nothing much you can do. In the second group , you dont want to do anything---prejudice is something anyone,anywhere can have. Would you want to marry a highly prejudiced person?

I have met some amazing women through this sikhmatrimonials site. I would suggest you try that.
Jeevansathi is also another option, it has more level headed people than , say shaadi.com, which I think simply sucks.

6:32 AM, June 02, 2006  
Anonymous bathing_ape said...

Dude,
just had a read of your last few posts. Interesting, and touching.
Regarding the turban issue, I am also a turban wearing Sikh. I tried for some years to find a wife, and in the process was rejected time and time again for my turban. I am known as a 'cool' guy, I party alot, enjoy life, was in a rap group, have a good rep, and yet I was still rejected. Even girls who liked me said 'sorry, i dont want a guy with a turban'. Girls would say 'You're good looking, but I dont want a guy with a turban !'.
Figure that shit out ? I am happy to say I finally got married, to a Sikh girl, from my own Gurdwara !! (Right under my nose all the time LOL) but what alarmed me alot was I did a little analysis of the ads posted on sikhnet's matrimonial service.
Of all ads placed there, some 70-80% specified a non-turban wearing partner, and only about 2-5% specified a turban wearer.
That is the sad state of affairs for us Sikhs. Even in India there is a preference for non turban wearing Sikhs.
Many Hindu girls were very open to a turban, more so than Sikhs.
Anyway, they are out there, it just takes time and patience.
Ah well such is life, I wish you well on your journey and I'll be checking in periodically.
Peace

7:29 AM, June 02, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been resisting the urge to post for some time but my conscience compells me to post now.

Take my advice or discard it, but what I say is true and you will recognize it a year or two from now if you don't at the moment.

Point one: Your relationship with C was doomed from the beginning, largely due to your fawning over her as you did. It would be one thing if you kept such feelings to yourself but you didn't - you shared them with everyone AND C waaaaaaaay too quickly. Girl's will appreciate that initially because it's a huge boost to their self-esteem but it does not develop any meaningful, long-term potential. In contrast, fawning as you did, so quickly and so 'smotheringly', by-and-large kills any potential.

A thousand girls may respond to the above, crying foul, saying this is 'sexist' or will make similarly standard and expected remarks....and many may genuinely believe they are right....

However, they are wrong - what I have said is the truth because most girls do not want a guy who is going to wax poetic about love and such, in the fashion you did and at the speed you did - doing so leaves you with nothing in the reserves. You're already all laid out, you present no mystery to the woman at all, and after she grows bored with the attention, it is adios. The 'adios' may come in the guise of a 'we just don't connect' or have 'chemistry' but this is bs (even if the girl has fooled herself into thinking this is true). The truth is, she lost interest and most guys have no one to blame but themselves.

Point two: Right now, some small part of you is hoping things will work out, even after you demeaned yourself by begging her. Yes, you demeaned yourself and it doesn't matter what justification or twist of interpretation you apply, you demeaned yourself - acknowledge that and learn from it so you never put yourself in that position again.

Point three: Things are not going to work out between you and C. When you begged her to come see you and pleaded with her, regardless of what she said, she was internalizing "pathetic". In her mind's eye, dear Harry, you are now "pathetic".

If that wasn't enough, your sad attempts at maintaining this 'friendship' so you can talk and chat etc. is seen as pathetic and weak. Oh, of course, C may be happy to remain 'friends', if only because it's easier than telling you to F off or because she enjoys the attention or because she doesn't mind having another girlfriend (YOU) to talk with....but make no mistake, your actions have categorized you as pathetic and weak in her eyes which puts you very far from any romantic considerations.

Point four: For your own sake, take what little shred of dignity you have left, and completely walk away from this 'friendship'. Believe me, anything remotely significant has already been severed by her and you are clinging desperately to the few scraps she is throwing you - Sardara da putt eya? If you are, then stop acting like a mewling dog.

I repeat, and you will thank me some day, walk away now. Don't call her, don't email her, don't contact her to explain why you're walking away, just walk away. If she contacts you, keep things short, curt, "hello, how are you, hey, i'm busy, I gotta run, take care, bye". This will be hard to do but you must. note: You may find C start to take more interest in you all of a sudden and start giving mixed signals etc. DON'T BITE! It is over - if she asks for an explanation, say you've moved on and there is no further explanation.

There is nothing positive that can come from you pathetically (there's that word again) grasping on to C in any fashion now - distance yourself and, maybe, two or so years from now, you may be able to have a friendship with C, but I wouldn't put my money on it.

Some of what I've said is harsh but it is genuinely for your own good. Take it or leave it.

regards,
truesay

10:53 PM, June 02, 2006  
Blogger Castor Troy said...

I kind of identify with most of what you have written across posts. Its very suprising that most girls I have gone out with have been non sikhs. I can't help but feel that sikh women are poor judge of character.

10:55 PM, June 02, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Buy a book called 'Double Your Dating' by David DeAnglo and you will learn more about what truesay said. He is absolutely right, and I would also recommend that you get out of C's life completely.

8:46 AM, June 03, 2006  
Anonymous Discover said...

what I have said is the truth because most s do not want a guy who is going to wax poetic about love and such, in the fashion you did and at the speed you did - doing so leaves you with nothing in the reserves. You're already all laid out, you present no mystery to the woman at all, and after she grows bored with the attention"

I mostly agree with this comment. Both men and women like to have little bit mystery in a relationship along with truth and honesty. We are beings who want to discover something new everyday. It is true for work, relatinship, and life in general. We are so moved by learning new things that we are in constant search of it. So please pay attention to these comments and learn something from them. There is nothing wrong with being poetic/sweet but always give some space to another person to grow into a relationship. Good luck with everything and try to learn more about other person before you lay out everything about yourself infront of another person. Give her/him time to discover you before you shout that you have discovered them ( I think it takes a lifetime to discover somebody).
Please for once forget bollywood love stories- These do not work in real life anywhere on this earth.

You have to forget C competely because you tried to built foundation of this relationship by being dependent on each other. Start afresh and always stay in high spirits. Give yourself a time to discover little bit about yourself. Life is all about finding our true self. Before you jump into another relationship/marriage try to evaluate yourself on where you stand at present. Most of the time people get out from one relationship just to jump into another relationship. Avoid this at all costs for this moment.

12:10 PM, June 03, 2006  
Anonymous Discover said...

Please try to change the tone of this blog for a moment. Change the title and try to talk about another interests. I am sure you have another interests in life than just finding a wife.
see some ideas and I am some other people can add ideas

1.Put pictures
2.Small stories or ask people to start a thread about a short story ( I want your story to be not about love, marriage, and Sikh women -HAHAHA)
3. We can discuss any other issues realted to Sikh religion, Punjab, India, Gender issues etc. ( for example I think Khalra Case and Bluestar 84 are way more important concerns for our community than worrying about if Sikh women like men with Turbans or without turbans)
4. Food
5. Travelling
6. Anything about pinds of Punjab
7. Books ( you seem have good knowledge about Punjabi literature)- talk for Balwant Gargi or Jaswant Kawal just for change..

Bottomline- You and your readers (your blog) want to stay away from blaming Sikh women, talking about C, criticizing you, finding a wife etc. I think we all took out all the juices out this story of "
Finding a Wife". There is nothing left to discuss in this topic. Kinda of feels like CNN - they do talk non-stop about one story. So please! please! change the topic of discussion for a moment!
I am single too and of same age- and there are many people on this earth in similar situation- so no point talking about it non-stop. Enjoy life around you and share with us.

12:22 PM, June 03, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

utter bullshit!

Harry, you are doing what any normal person will do.
What they are suggesting is something that a bitter loser will do.

12:26 PM, June 03, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Harry,

I am a 29 year old female from the UK and I have kind of been reading your blog on and off over the last few weeks and the one thing I would like to say is please be open minded - not all sikh girls want to marry non turbaned sikh guys...

...Come to the uk, in particular to London and you will find professionl sikh girls whose dream guy is a guy in a turban

I hope you find your life partner and are blessed with eternal happiness..

M Kaur

3:05 PM, June 03, 2006  
Anonymous Think about others said...

"utter bullshit!

Harry, you are doing what any normal person will do.
What they are suggesting is something that a bitter loser will do. "

Totally disagree with you. There is so much to see and experience in life than talk non-stop about one unsuccessful relationship. It is so not exciting to dwell on negative aspects of life ( winner in life always look for tomorrow rather than dwell on failure).
Also, I want to you change your language(It is a request) Word "bullshit" does not reflect very well on you. Have some courtesy for people.

4:29 PM, June 03, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I meant that maintaining a friendship with C is the right thing to do for harry.

4:42 PM, June 03, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Truesay,

the things you have said in your post, I kinda of sensed this at the beginning of the posts but I wasn't sure how this drama and drewling over C would actually turn out. I respect your hardass advice. Can you throw out some contact info or send me your email at basophilicl@hotmail.com, just in case I need some advice in the future. thanks

7:17 PM, June 03, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey truesay!
are you single?

10:22 PM, June 03, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Golden words, Sir Truesay. How can we contact you?

2:36 AM, June 04, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with Ms Kaur. I'm a girl from Canada and turbaned guys are hot! Esp. the one from the UK!!!

10:18 AM, June 04, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey..to anyone who reads this, even you harry.

im 25/f and attractive, so i been told. graduated from a prestigious university and am having the most DIFFICULT time finding someone who even knows about Sikhi, doesn't drink or smoke, or is willing to stop. I would love a turbaned Sikh man, but I don't know where the decent Sikh guys are???

I went on Sikhnet, made a profile and thus far have seen pics of 6 guys, they were all so unattractive(plz dont think im soo into looks, but they were really not my type) except for one and he was turbaned, but he was so Indian, not Punjabi, but Indian and didn't really seem to care about Sikhi as I do. So I don't get it...some wear turbans but don't want a girl who looks modern but wants to grow into Sikhi?

So harry your not the only one going through this. I think our whole generation has lost it and we are part of the reason for this loss.

I think truesay has lived up to his name. I have seen turbaned guys get with hindu girls, white girls, even punjabi girls all because i think they didnt make themselves so weak in front of the girls. Especially as a guy, a turbaned guy, you should have more confidence than the average man.

as for me...i ask are there any good guys turbaned or non-turbaned out there who know sikhi or are at the least willing to learn?????

-searching

3:58 AM, June 05, 2006  
Anonymous A Kaur said...

Turbaned men certainly look much more macho and manly than clean-shaven ones...no offence to the clean shaven ones pls.
I am a Sikh women and made very clear to any of my dates that I am going to marry only a turbaned Sikh, and there was no question about it. Women who believe that turbaned men are backward and uneducated are very narrow minded, and superficial themselves. I mean how would they feel if any turbaned man would say, I know you are good looking, but you can't be my partner because I am looking for a soulmate rather than a showmate.... pls note the remark made by mogli (Their perception is that most turbaned guys are backward and uneducated)
In my opinion, turban makes ones personality much smarter and respectable. "What is a man without a beard, moustache and a turban? Not any better than a female" If God wanted to make men like women, He/She wouldn't grow facial hair on them.
But again prejudice in ones mind can't be washed away just by stating these things here. They have to be felt from ones heart.

3:12 PM, November 06, 2006  
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Blogger kawal said...

i would like to say that the mindset of people has changed in the wrong direction earlier sikhs were praised for their bravery and now sikhs have become so silly that we even have sikh barbers who chop off hairs of other sikhs its the parents who should inculcate sikh virtues in their daughters if girls of our own religion dont like sikh men how can we expect the rest of the world to respect us?

8:24 PM, April 29, 2007  
Blogger Jasminder said...

just few memory dumps here......

Its also in Law of nature...and kamasutra that body hair generate stimulation by natural caressing. So, while kissing man's moustache stilates womens upper lips which has to be like a bow(bon n arrow). Also chest hair r liked by a lot of women.

Talking about sikh guys its only the hair and turban that make him a Singh(lion)...If you ignore a lion's looks then the rest of it is similar to a big dog(Moonh chadd ke te vekho te sher vi kutta hi hundaa hai!!)...So in a way men who trim n cut their hair...beard mustache r no more than a DOG.
JSJ

5:15 AM, September 20, 2007  

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