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Thursday, February 16, 2006

Two to Tango

It has been my endeavour to alternate the themes of my posts between my quest for a wife and the larger issues affecting Sikhism that I think are important. My love life (or the lack of it) is presented for the consumption of cynical eyes in the hope that a few people will start thinking about those issues as well. It is ok if some people derive amusement from my hardships. That is only natural human behaviour. I still appreciate people's unsolicited and sometimes spite-laden words of wisdom. I appreciate their concern to make me a better candidate with the ladies. Keep up the effort.

We, as a people, have inherent divisive tendencies. Our relegion was founded to unite people. We have still managed to etch out artificial lines among ourselves. There are Jats and non-Jats, there are turbaned Sikhs and there are Monas, and there are also FOBs and ABDs. A few people have suggested that these are all my hallucinations. They have postulated the hypothesis that I "blame" these demarcations for the fact that I am wifeless. In the big scheme of things, it does not matter if I remain a bachelor all my life. I hope and I know that that will not be the case. The fragmentation that I see evolving in my religion however does matter. Does it matter what I think about it? Maybe not. I can go on with my life, pretending to ignore everything but I can't.

Some women readers have been candid enough to say that the Sikh swaroop is not a no-no for them. That is consolation to me and perhaps scores of others. I know some of my Sikh buddies do feel more confident to approach a Sardarni knowing now that there might be a good chance that they will not be rejected for their appearance. I mean there are still hordes of Sikh women out there who will scorn a turbaned suitor but it is good to know that there are still a few women who will at least try to look beyond the hair. Whatever...

Continuing the blame game, I will now focus on the Jats vs the rest of Sikhs issue. I am anticipating a lot of heat on this issue but that is ok. Hubris was the sin of the Greeks and I am afraid that a big majority of Sikhs is guilty of the same. Speaking of personal experiences, there have been innumerable instances when I have been rejected by women because I am not a Jat. We all know of how Jats are superior than others, how the Khatris(or Bhapas) are a bunch of money-hoarding untrustworthy lot blah blah blah. These notions have travelled down generations and it is sad that neither education nor contact with the Western civilization has done much to alter people's thoughts. If I am not a Jat or if I wear a turban, that automatically makes me a lesser person in the eyes of others. Some of you will again accuse me of making all this up. But honestly, I know this to be a fact and all you have to do is visit chat rooms or your local Gurdwara to witness it.

The reason that I raise these issues in the context of my quest for a wife is because that is the only place where these issues are relevant to me and they affect me directly. My relationship with Sikhism consists mostly of self-study and meditation. Most of my friends are non-Sikhs. My relationship with Sikhs(not Sikhism) is only when I visit the Gurdwara or when I am trying to look for a wife. Both the times, I come face to face with the issue of my caste or my turban or my status as a FOB.

Writing this post, I think I am commiting this blog to its harakiri. That is fine. My quest and my devotion to my religion will go on.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you take the "for amusement" part of our comments too seriously.

to explain, we (sikh males) aren't coming across anything new from your posts. It's the same thing we've already thought about or discussed with our turbaned Sikh friends. So all that leaves is to laugh at and with you. Yes, we do both.

as for the jatt thing, dude, it's sad, but the other castes don't want to marry jatts either. It's not one caste doing all the discrimination, they all do it.

5:57 PM, February 16, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Harry,

I and my wife really enjoyed going through your blog. It reminded me so much of me and the experiences I went through as a pug-wala-Sikh in my search for the end of superficial lonliness.

I was 35 when lady luck finally smiled on me. Some things (or most things) happen when they have to happen. Its so hard to really know why. Its just a learning experience. Sometimes pain can be a great gift, however hard that may seem.

I look forward to reading more of your blogs in future.

Best Regards

8:10 PM, February 16, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I family prefers that i not marry a jatt. so, even though sikhi was created to eradicate the caste system, it still exists because we keep it alive. We all do it...discriminate against our own.


8:11 PM, February 16, 2006  
Blogger Ripu said...

well casteism is far deeply rooted than religon, sad but its the fact. we have been a caste ridden society for the last 2000 years while sikhism is just 300 odd years old. Casteism is not going to be eradicated by any religion the only thing that is going to make it go away is empowerment that comes with education and money.

Btw keep up the great blog, this is what all of turbaned sikh's face wether living in fresno or in ahemadabad, either dealing with sikhni's in california or the cosmpolitan ones based in south delhi.

12:21 AM, February 17, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

casteism went away during the times of the Guru. Their presence was enough for Sikhs to break from this horrid practice.

in fact, destruction of casteism is a cornerstone of Sikhi, from langar to the khalsa concept.

btw, Sikhi is 500 years old. It started with Guru Nanak.

3:07 AM, February 17, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"the Khatris(or Bhapas) are a bunch of money-hoarding untrustworthy lot blah blah blah."

Aaah, how many times have I heard this?

Guroo ji taught us that discriminating against one's caste, colour, creed is against the simple princples of humanity, let alone Gurmat. In the rehit maryada advises a Sikh father to take notice of caste when finding a groom for his daugther, the way someone is raised, their family structure/culture can have a big impact on their personality. Let's face it, it's just easier and less messy to find a family culture that is similar to yours. This is only a good thing. Mind you both me and my husband are from different castes, me from the so called money hungry khatris (as you said) :-) and he a Tharkhan.

I understand how difficult and frustrating it must be for you, and the way a man's confidence can easily be crushed when 'apnay kudiya' find them unattractive, etc. But may I assure you that there are many beautiful Kaurs out there who want nothing more than a man with a crown and beard. I know many women who would find anything other than that unattrative.

I think your blog is also attracting many 'potentials' perhaps in addition to recording your experiences of your search, why not talk about yourself, your intentions in marriage, etc etc, girls like that sort of stuff :)

3:35 AM, February 17, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

the rehat maryada does not advocate caste. Don't spread lies and misinformation.

in fact, it's completely opposite:

Article XVIII

Anand Sanskar (Lit. Joyful Ceremonial: Sikh Matrimonial Conventions and Ceremony)

(a) A Sikh man and woman should enter wedlock without giving thought to the prospective spouse's caste and descent

12:31 PM, February 17, 2006  
Anonymous Raiini said...

Well, I love to marry a Keshdhari Khatris, I mean attractive, money, status, ----o.k. doesn't sound very gurmat, but I be thrilled!
Personally, I don't even think it makes me less religious either. Whats wrong with top of the line?
Guru Nanak was born into a khatri family, of he grow up to reject ritualism and caste.
Honestly, on one level I'm not sure what caste means anymore. Even if it existed once, it's the
kali yug, so isn't it all very random now? Still a husband of high caste, well it's like an expensive designer label or a Lexus! Well, I have a Blogg now, it's called Padam's

9:53 AM, February 18, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

why don't you go to the real top of the line, the brahmin? oh, there aren't any Sikh brahmins? well, you don't have any problems ignoring other guidelines from the Gurus, so feel free to marry a hindu brahmin!


11:17 AM, February 18, 2006  
Blogger kayd80 said...

Sikhism, certainly not the religion by birth is the "Religion of practice". Guru Gobind Singh Ji has quoted" Rehni rahe, soi sikh mera; O sahib mein uska chehra". "Rehni", not simply keeping the sikh swaroop is far more than that. Its not something acquired by sainthood or found in unreachable mountains, its just a set of guidelines perhaps scribbled down in all the Holy Scriptures but unfortunately seldom followed. On the contrary, the Devil has often quoted these scriptures not really to deceive, but simply that masses are so ignorant of theology that somebody has to teach them the elementary texts before he can seduce them. Sikhism is not merely 300 or 500 years old, it has existed ever since there has been somebody to preach the concept of oneness. Being born in a non-sikh family does not take away the right to be a sikh nor does being born in a sikh family awards that right. Sikh is the one who follows the path of "Rehni" no matter what caste, colour, creed or religion he is..........................

12:54 PM, February 18, 2006  
Anonymous Raiini said...

Very funny anon. Nice comments kayd80.

2:53 PM, February 18, 2006  
Blogger Otpreka Singh said...

Sanjog, Vejog, Do-ey kar chulaaveh.

Where we shall meet people and be seperated from people is pre-written.

Who we will get married to is in the masters hands.


11:47 AM, February 19, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Umm whatever harry said is more or less true in US(United states).Well the big problem being in US for an FOB is that there are way too many FOB guys and very few FOB women. I would say almost 5:1. So its not only the sikh guy who spent the valentine alone, a lot of other Indian dudes did that too...
Why do you have to look inside the Indian Community ABCD or FOB. Explore guys , clubs are a good starting point , visibility is important , staying at home wont help. I have always felt more comfortable dating non sikh women(brown and white both) , for reasons I dont know .....
Well.. Vikram Chatwal(a turbaned sikh guy) is the only Indian male model to feature in Vogue Magazine ,

Hey Harry , forget Sikh women, explore outdie the community , you wont be dissapointed ... Just be urself !

4:28 PM, February 20, 2006  
Anonymous Rohit Dhawan said...

Hey, I totally disagree when you say that "Jatts are superior.." I dont understand in what way.. in the caste heirarchy they are inferior to katris

9:12 PM, September 02, 2006  

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