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Thursday, February 02, 2006

Tanhai

It is funny how sometimes there is just one unique word which alone can capture your emotions. For example, what I feel these days, words like loneliness, solitude etc fail to express it fully. "Tanhai" on the other hand clearly expresses the full strength of the emotion. The word has strong undercurrents of personal anguish which other terms are clearly devoid of.

I am lucky to have a rather wide circle of friends. I work almost 70 hrs a week and there is a lot of interactions with colleagues and people in general. My life is hectic and there is litlle time to feel anything. And then I also like to go out. There are parties, get togthers, conferences and what not. People and more people. I talk to people, I dance with people and I listen or sometimes pretend to listen. There are female friends too who are mostly married, or going steady or too good for me. It is all fun. I believe it was Francis Bacon who wrote:"The bigger the crowd, the lonelier you are". Only now I realized how right he was.

I then get back home and then it hits me. There she is ,the biatch. Tanhai.(Forgive my French, but again Profanity alone can do full justice to my emotions). I move around and she follows me.I try to study but as I am flipping through the pages of my books, I hear her giggle. She taunts me with images of the mystery girl. Fleeting images of a pearly ankle, of a killer smile and of a nervous kiss. She drives me crazy and then I flip open my laptop and start writing.

Later, as I try to sleep and battle against insomnia, right then ,in the twilight zone before sleep, my princess comes back again and whispers sweet nothings in my ear. I struggle to see her but all efforts are futile. I give up and Tanhai pushes me into La-La land.

The other time I see her is when I am in the kitchen. I can't and choose not to cook. As I am ransacking the refrigerator trying to put togther a joke of a meal, I see her standing near the kitchen counter munching a succulent piece of chicken tikka masala. I curse her and as I am trying to crush the cold hard piece of bread, the third eye of my mind wanders off and I see my princess. There she is, standing in the kitchen. Cooking for me. I come from behind and embrace her. I try to kiss her but she stuffs a piece of food in my mouth. Not bad, I say and then she vanishes away. BTW, I am not the kind of man who thinks that women's place is the kitchen. It is just my hungry stomach playing tricks on my nutty mind.

I have considered the possibility that I might be going crazy. I have even considered self medicating myself with Prozac. But my friends tell me I am not crazy. They tell me I am not a pervert either. They tell me that I am just ready. Ready to end my bachelorhood.

So, those are the two women in my life. Tanhai and Tamanna. I hope Tanhai leaves me soon and my princess walks into my life.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Try taking a little time of work. Go to the nearest Gurudwara - thats a good place where you can meet gursikh families like yours - and then - you know ...

6:56 AM, February 05, 2006  
Anonymous satvinder said...

You know what? The sweet nothings we dream about before we're married are really nothing after a while and what begins to count are the small gestures like your other half taking time out go give you a lift to work or you making time to cook them a meal even if it is cheese on toast.

Re: the loneliness thing. We're all alone. We came a lone and we'll die alone... When we have someone we just kid ourselves into thinking we're not alone.

Re the turban thing. My experience was a mirror of yours. I wanted marry a gursikh man but couldn't find one. He came along eventually... I'm sure your other half will too.

Brilliant writing. Stay happy.

5:04 AM, February 08, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Satvinder,
I agree with you. I think Harry Veer must have watched lot of Bollywood movies ( Again I just think -does not mean it is true!)
It is ok to daydream about sweet nothings! ( It is just a illusion!)

4:13 PM, February 08, 2006  
Anonymous satvinder said...

Erm I just wanted to come back and say that I didn't mean to belittle the effect of loneliness. I've been there too and I know it's an achy feeling but just so you don't feel too bad... I know some people who are lonley in their marriages too. It's hard work and if two people don't understand each other it can be a lonely experience.

2:56 AM, February 09, 2006  

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