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Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Judge us not

I thank one of my readers for pointing out a blog of what seems to be a young Sikh girl who is "annoyed" by young Sikh guys lacking "self-confidence". It is always interesting to hear the other side. I myself hate to be a part of a group of "cry babies". But the truth is that it is easy to comment and to criticize. Even easier is to judge people. It is hard, however, to put oneself in the shoes of those we judge.

It is hard to imagine oneself to stand out among the crowd and thanks to some recent events, do so in a negative manner. It is hard to develop a thick skin to withstand the "slings and arrows" of those around you. And it is not always verbal darts that are slung but it is the penetrating eyes that scan your innards at work, at the Mall and at clubs. And let us not forget that while there might be a small minority of Sikh women who are amenable to "dating" a full Sikh, majority of them would rather not. It is hard to understand all this unless you yourself have been subjected to this.

Is this in our minds? Have people like me become paranoid to the degree of insanity? Why can't people take a look around themselves, in their homes and in their places of worship? I am sure there are plenty of instances there who would support my claim.

Is this truly important? I mean we are only talking about a few desperate young guys who can't find girls. I wish it were this simple. These situations point out the rapid metamorphosis that the Sikh society is undergoing where younger generations are increasingly shunning and relegating the "full Sardar" into obsolence. If young Sikh guys lack confidence , there are tangible forces eroding that confidence. Let me illustrate my point. My own cousin who considers herself a young successful professional in Delhi, took a pledge along with a group of her other Sikh friends that they would not marry a Surdie. Her own father almost proudly informed the family of her decision when she ended up marrying a non-Sikh. Truly, if she would have fallen in love with any person and decided to marry him, I would have shown her a thumbs-up. I would not have (and still don't) care about what relegion or what ethnicity he belonged to. However, to systematically rule out a full Sardar as a life partner in such an ignoble manner boils my blood. To say that she will not marry a guy who has decided to follow the path that God has chosen for him?- is this not sacrilege.

How is a Sikh youth supposed to react to such pledges? Some of us like me will become angry and vent their anger in diverse but mostly ineffectual manner. Others would direct their anger inwardly which would result in a confidence that looks like Swiss cheese. But can you blame them? Can you blame them if people they are supposed to call their own would rather ignore and ridicule them? Is it not surprising that we criticize non-Sikhs who crack Sardar jokes but are completely ok when a "modern" Sikh girl rejects a guy because he proudly donns the appearance of his relegion?

Can you look me in the eye and tell me that all is pink and rosy? Can you tell me that I suffer from a lack of confidence? Maybe you can but I think you will be sadly mistaken.. So, please don't tell us we have no balls. We can live with "mistaken identities" by others but it is hard to put up with "mistaken priorties" of our own.

Anyways, this is not a personal thing. The lady does indeed have a valid point and I apologise for our percieved impotence. I am sure others will joining me in saying that that is certainly not the case.

I realize that I am indeed turning into a whiner while there are so many potential wives waiting for me out there. I have some new leads and will post those here. This post was sort of a knee-jerk reaction to the accusation that we have "no balls". No man could ever take that lying down.


Blogger Harpreet Kaur said...

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh

Veerji.... first of all your blog title gave me a very good laugh and after reading it I would like to suggest that you consider writing a book or something as a side hobby because you have excellent story telling skills. However, one thing that I noticed that I would like to point out, and question you on is exactly the same thing that you have accused some women of doing. I do not know you and I'm not trying to pass judgement in particular...but from the way you described your visit in the post about the girl in the pink suit and the other in the blue suit it seems to me that you are guilty of the very same accusation you have placed on women. From the way you posted about your observations and expectations of the girl, it seems to me that you care very much about physical appearance as well as her personality (even though in the end as you said it comes down to personality and that is why you didn't choose her). In your case the physical beauty you were attracted to was the "foxiness" of the girl in the blue suit. Now I'm not sure exactly how you would describe "foxiness" but I think it's safe for me to assume that it has little to do with the girl being/looking religious. I am assuming that the girl you were attracted to and seem to be looking for is one who is somewhat fashionable according to western standards...standards that especially cannot be adopted by "Sikh" women ... by that I mean women who also like you choose to keep their identity and practice Sikhi (not cutting their hair and... maybe but not necessarily even wearing a dastaar). Now you tell me how attracted and looking forward you are to those type of women? And now think about how it makes them feel to not be found attractive by a man who claims to represent and be proud of his religion. Here you are complaining women reject you because you are in touch with your religious side but from your posts it indicates nowhere that you yourself are even considering a religious girl. It may be that "some" women out there do have a preference for clean shaven men...but those women themselves are most likely the ones who are not as religious either. So my point being ... at least they look for someone compatible in their interests.... instead of complaing about why Amritdhari men aren't falling for them. What I see a lot these days...which is kind of disappointing in my opinion at least is that even some Gursikh guys are more attracted to non-Gursikh girls and would rather marry them than Gursikh girls. There are also the men who not necessarily for religious, but for cultural reasons keep their hair, but won't even consider marrying girls who keep their hair long. I know as much as I try not to be.... this definitely sounds very judgemental of me but I just wanted to open your eyes to a whole different aspect of the unfair situation you seem to think you're the only one stuck in. It's perfectly fine for you not to want to marry a religious girl I'm not saying one is better than the other...but do think about what you see yourself as and what you are looking for and maybe it will make sense to you why all of these girls that you consider as pretty go for different types of guys. I just don't think it's fair for women to be held to a double standard most of the time. Where it's considered normal, acceptable and cool for a guy to be religiously representing and still a good candidate for marriage on a broad scale of choices of women ( Gursikh, and non Gursikh) but then for women it's sooo much more restricted. The Gursikh women are only sought by Gursikh men whereas the non Gursikh women are sought by both. If you yourself aren't open to accepting a girl on the same religious level as you, then don't expect women to look for a guy more religious than they themselves are willing to be/represent.

A huge possibility that I passed the wrong judgement on you and I'm completely wrong and for that I apologize ... I really hope I am wrong in this case... maybe not for you...but these things hold true for many people out there. But forgive me if I have said anything too harsh and wrong.

Good look in your search and I genuinely hope you find the girl you are looking for (looks and personality in all).

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Wahehguru Ji Ki Fateh

11:48 PM, January 24, 2006  
Blogger Lilly said...

I was only going after the Sardars who cry about it. I'm not a fan of whiners either - looks like we have that in common. While I don't know the extent of your plight, I have somewhat of an idea. I was the girl who lived through middle school with hairy legs and what seemed to be the beginning of a mustache, and I have an older sardar brother who's been through it all, from elementary school taunting, glares from airport security, and kids walking by asking their moms if they could "pet the genie." I sympathize, but I also believe there are ways to get through it and turn out okay.
So, as per your suggestion - let's meet up and go out.

4:33 AM, January 25, 2006  
Blogger Lilly said...

That is, after you stop crying ;-)

4:57 AM, January 25, 2006  
Blogger grey said...

Wow Man!!

Looks like this blog is having a field day.

Well Said Harpreet Kaur Khalsa !!!

Harry she's got a point man ... can't deny that. Does the thought of a dastaar wearing gal appeal to you ?

Or even a gal with a moustache ... no man - here we are (i'll count myself in - as i said yesterday that - i agree with you on most things) ... bitching about gals who want clean shaven guys - well i think given a choice we'd want a fashionable gal over a religious gal as well!!

So point taken Harpreet Kaur.... but where does that leave us ??

1. Religious guys get Religious Sikh Gals
2. Clean Shaven guys get for Non-Religious Sikh Gals
3. Not so Religious Guys but who wear a turban Get to Write a BLOG like this one !!!!


10:20 AM, January 25, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with Harpreet Kaur Khalsa.
Waiting for Harry's response to her comment.
If you are in this category
" Not so Religious Guys but who wear a turban Get to Write a BLOG like this one !!!!"
than good luck with your search.

1:44 PM, January 25, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When a guy wants a girl who is like Barbie, theres a good chance that 'Barbie' will want a 'Ken'..

4:10 AM, January 26, 2006  
Blogger deep kaur khalsa said...


Raed all this today..the way 'jiv' comes out with a girl with a turban a girl with a other girls dont were made that way from the beginning.

Sorry to burst some bubbles..Take away other so called pretyy girls threading and waxing materials, and beauty shops they guna appear way uglier than the pure natural sikhi girls..Believe!
This is Guru jis saroop. You should talk about Guru jis saroop from gurbani angle not physical attributes.

We don't exist in the pysical sense..It going to turn to dust. Some just dont and aint guna get it.

Vaheguroo bhalla karan.

Bhul maaf. Vaheguroo.

12:50 AM, January 27, 2006  
Blogger Sony said...

First of all 'I love the blog'.

Secondly I have to say that all the Sikh women I have seen that wear a Dastaar always seem to be at Peace with themselves and have alot of presence. So much so that rather than looking at physical beauty you start listening to their words.

I have been married for little over a year now. After a while you start looking past the way they look and start to be more interested in other things like their personality or their hopes and aspirations and how well they cook (only joking!!).

End of the day if people state they will not marry anyone who wears a dastaar then in my humble opinion they are just showing themselves to be shallow. Even if I were a mona I wouldn't want to marry anyone who made such a comment

I hope all goes well in your search...

6:23 AM, January 30, 2006  

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