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Monday, February 20, 2006

Mi amour

I have often thought about who I would like as my wife. I have been questioned about this several times as well. All the folks who are helping me in my quest have all asked me about this. But to tell you the truth, I am not sure I can give a precise description of the woman that I think will rock my world. After reading Percy Shelley,Keats et al, my vision of my woman is all a mist.

As a person, I conceptualize better in abstract terms. I think about God in abstract ways. A lot of times, we think about our partners based on their resumes. People want to marry a doctor or an engineer or whatever. There is logic behind it and I understand it. Maybe I would prefer somebody from my own field as well. If I think in conventional terms, I would think I would be attracted to someone intelligent, professionally qualified and someone who has ambition and some dreams to crystallize. Somebody told me that we seek our own image in our partners. I concur with that thought. I am an intense person myself and I think I like people with passion.

It is when I think about the personal attributes of my princess that it becomes vague. I like it when I smell love on sniffing the air after entering my home. I like it when there is a gentle breeze of romance flowing through the relationship. Some people believe that couples shouldn't have to express their love all the time. I don't share their belief. I like communication and giving free rein to once's feelings. I don't like it when people have to suppress their emotions because they are afraid of what others will think about it. I am not saying that one should roam naked in one's house but one should be able to vent out one's feelings on a regular basis. I love it when people do small things to make the other person feel special. At the same time, a random kiss on the go, breakfast in bed blah blah should be allowed. Some cynics have told me that after two years into a marriage, I will be too jaded to provide or expect such tokens of love. That is a distinct possibility and something that sends shivers down my spine. The last thing I would want is a lifeless killjoy marriage where people are together for the sake of maintaing the semblance of marriage that once was. Maybe I will grow old and my thoughts will change but right now, the thought scares me.

Sometimes I think that part of the reason it has been tough is because I don't know who I want. At least that is what my parents tell me. Every two weeks, they call me to tell me that they think they have found the "one". And then something or the other just doesn't gel and it all falls apart. My friends accuse me of being too picky. I don't think I am. I just want to be sure that I am going to make the right decision. I don't want to say to myself two months into a marriage:" Harry, what were you thinking?'

I admit I have only vague ideas of who I want to spend the rest of my life with. Maybe it doesn't have to be a hard thing. Maybe I can just marry the next person that I meet (provided she agrees). If I were to use my brains, I would have married the first girl my parents wanted me to marry. The problem is that it is my heart and not my brain in the driver's seat. Sometimes I think I am behaving like a pubescent teen on a heavy dose of Mills and Boon (although my puberty was aeons ago). Whatever.

Talking of Shelley, here is a piece from Indian Serenade. If only I could see her face in my dreams.

I arise from dreams of thee
In the first sweet sleep of night,
When the winds are breathing low,
And the stars are shining bright;
I arise from dreams of thee,
And a spirit in my feet Hath led me - who knows how?
To thy chamber-window, sweet!


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