Love, Actually

People have written tomes about what Love and such related feelings are. As naive as I am in these matters, I thought it might be a good idea to document my current feelings now and maybe revisit these a few months later. Frankly, I do not fully understand the artificial compartmentalization of these feelings. Sure, I have had infinite "crushes" in my lifetime and most of those are ephemeral feelings based on isolated attributes of a person like attractiveness or personality but that dissipate in due time without getting the fodder of effort and thought. Then, there have been times when I thought I am in Love without really understanding what that meant. Most of those cases were really "unrequited Love" which also faded away after being diluted with the tincture of time. I have never really ventured beyond those and hence I think I am on uncharted territory now.

People have put the fear of God in me regarding uttering the L word. God forbid that this word should come out of my mouth till about 6 months have elapsed into a relationship. But what really is this L word? What is so forbidden about this apple that I can't have it now?. Surely, it is not defined by the degree of hurt that one feels after being forsaken coz surely enough I was hurt like crazy even though it was too soon for me to be in "Love".

This is what I feel these days. When I am with C, I feel good about myself. She makes me feel special. I don't think she makes any extra effort to do that but for some reason it works for me. I understand that this is a very selfish reason to be with somebody. I mean, does it always have to be about me?. The other day she asked me if that was because this is my first time being close to somebody. I think that has a lot to do with it. And that actually reminds me of Shiv Batalwi, a renowned Punjabi poet, who wrote:"Mein kandayli thor ve sajna, oogi vich ujara"( I am but a thorny cactus in the desert of Agony). Maybe I was like that cactus who suddenly got a few drops of Ambrosia and is now trying to bloom flowers of myriad colors. That is indeed a very reasonable explanation. When I am with her, I feel "accepted" and "cared for". And hence I wish to do things that would make her feel special too. I already think that she is special. I only have to show her that.

Overall, this is actually also a scary notion. Because what that means is that with time this initial euphoria will settle down. I started out having a crush on her and then someway down the road, this transitioned into a mix of ecstasy and gratitude because I never thought that this crush, unlike many others, would ever see the light of the day. Now, lies ahead the daunting task of falling in Love. Actually, I hope that I rise in Love rather than fall. But truly, I don't know how that will feel. People tell me that with time both of us will start to see each other's flaws. With time, the fine print will become magnified and we would know the knitty-gritty and the quirks of each other's personalities. She will find out if I snore at night or not and if so, how loudly.(BTW,for the record, I don't) and I will find out if she can take care of me or not. And then one fine day, if we decide that we are ready to accept each other's flaws, we would have fallen in love. And of course, after that we will have to deal with the "M" word. However, if for some reason, it is not working out we would know that too and we would say that it was never meant to be. I don't know how that will all go but I hope to experience a whole panorama of feelings and emotions.

I do not know what her reasons were when she decided to go out with me. She wouldn't tell me but that is ok. I do not know how she feels about the whole thing either but that is the enigma that I have to break. Either way, it has been a good ride so far and that is what matters.